


Survivor

by JiminWreckedSugaBias



Series: Maknae Line Hurt/Comfort Fics [28]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Han Jisung | Han-centric, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jisung needs a hug, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Minor Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Panic Attacks, Protective Hyungs, Protective Minho, Suicidal Thoughts, but not detailed, but they aren't officially together, everyone loves jisung, how did i type this in one day, ive posted how many fics?, not sorry, overuse of the name baby, you would think id know how to tag by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:05:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JiminWreckedSugaBias/pseuds/JiminWreckedSugaBias
Summary: Jisung is typically seen as the happy-go-lucky energetic rapper of the group. The one that everyone can go to for a good laugh, or can count on to bring the laughs to them but still knows when to be serious.However, he's still human.





	Survivor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blank_Is_typing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blank_Is_typing/gifts).



> Woah hi guess who's back
> 
> I got hit with inspiration when I saw this request by Blank_Is_typing sitting in my inbox... aaaannnnnd that's the story of how I wrote this 5k monster in one day lmao
> 
> Also, I just want to say that most of my fics get written, then I look them over maybe like once before I post them, so please forgive me if there's any spelling errors. I usually write on my phone, and they should really call it auto"correct" instead, it's more accurate. I've had "for" be changed to "got" even though for was spelled correctly and got didn't even make sense in the sentence. 
> 
> That being said, Hope you enjoy!

Jisung is typically seen as the happy-go-lucky energetic rapper of the group. The one that everyone can go to for a good laugh, or can count on to bring the laughs to them but still knows when to be serious. 

 

However, he's still human. 

 

He isn't always happy, isn't always the mood maker, and doesn't always have the energy to bring smiles to peoples’ faces when he can barely bring one to his own. 

 

Jisung has his down moments when he needs to just be alone for a while to listen to music and maybe right some ideas for lyrics, or just to chill by himself. He has times that he doesn't want to be around people, and that's okay. 

 

He didn't notice that during one of his off days he started digging his nails into his palms when he started thinking of the stress he had been through the previous week trying to get a song done (and eventually had to ask a frustrated Changbin for help because he kept getting stuck).

 

He hadn't noticed that he had started being less careful when he was cutting up fruits for the fruit salad he usually had for a snack. 

 

He had ended up slicing his finger when cutting a strawberry, his gasp of pain attracting the attention of Chan, who had been sitting at the table eating his own snack and looking at Twitter on his fan account (but you didn't hear that from Jisung).

 

“Oh my god!” 

 

Jisung had been rushed to the hospital with a hand towel wrapped tightly around his finger, held there securely by Minho while Jackson drove. Jisung barely paid attention to the pain, he kept himself distracted by listening to Chan frantically talking on the phone with their manager. 

 

He had to get stitches, and Chan found it strange when the boy had barely flinched when getting them done. 

  
  


Jisung's off days were getting more frequent with their comeback approaching, and with each off day came more minor accidents. 

 

The others were noticing the crescent shaped indents on his palms, they noticed that his smiles were becoming more rare in the dorm and more forced on camera, saw how much of his food was wasted by the end of meals if he even bothered to show up at the table at all, and most of all?

 

They were starting to connect the dots. 

 

It wasn't hard, not at all. The only reason it took them this long was because they didn't want to believe that their usually bubbly Sungie could ever experience depression. 

 

The last dot was connected by Jeongin, when the boy had found a piece of paper on the floor of their shared room. 

 

He hadn't intended to snoop, not at all. He was looking for homework and read it to see if it was what he was looking for. 

 

It was not. 

 

It was a note of sorts written by Jisung, but it wasn't addressed to anyone.

 

But by the time he realized it, he was too invested in what was written to stop and put it down. He felt tears come to his eyes as he finished, hand coming to his mouth as he read it over again to make sure he was even reading right. 

 

_ “I'm so tired. Everything I do, everything I say, it just seems exhausting, it feels overwhelming, and it seems FAKE.  _

 

_ The company wants me to be this, that, and the other, but where does that leave the real me? I'm not even sure anymore.  _

 

_ I don't know what's going on anymore, I'm so numb to things that used to bring me joy, or even pain.  _

 

_ I keep doing this thing, and I found out that it's called disassociation.  _

 

_ It feels like my conscious mind separates from my body, and everything around me looks like it's just a green screen. I can't recognize my own body, it looks like it's someone else's and I'm looking at it through someone else's eyes. When my body feels something, it doesn't feel like I'm actually feeling it. It's like I'm in a bubble that's surrounded by other things that can feel, but I can't feel it directly.  _

 

_ My off days usually don't happen this often, but I guess this is the new normal.  _

 

_ I'm so tired of pretending, I wish I could just” _

 

That's where it ends. 

 

Jeongin was in tears, shoulders shaking as he collapsed to the floor and let out a sob, paper crumpling in his hand as he let out another loud sob, his chest tightening from the emotional pain of what he just read. 

 

“Jeonginnie? Baby, what's wrong?” The youngest hadn't even heard Chan approaching. He looked up at him, his vision blurred from tears. 

 

“J-Jis-sungie h-hyung-” he choked off as another sob ripped from his throat, he chose to just hand the leader the note instead, burying his face in his hands. 

 

There was silence between the two, and right as Chan was about to speak again, footsteps were heard.  

 

“Hyung? What's going on?” It was Jisung. Jeongin looked up and locked eyes with him, fresh tears falling when he saw the boy. 

 

“Jisung-” Chan started, but let out a small noise of surprise when Jisung practically lunged forward and grabbed the paper from his hand. 

 

“This is mine, what are you doing with it!” Jisung's voice might have been hostile, but there was only fear in his eyes. 

 

“Sungie, sit dow-” 

 

“No! You- No! You can't just read my stuff!” 

 

“What's going on?” 

 

Minho was now at the door, having gotten concerned at the yelling and decided to come investigate. 

 

“Minho, shut the door please.” Chan instructed, and Jisung turned around quickly, just in time to see Minho step inside and close the door behind him. 

 

It hurt Chan and Jeongin to see how Jisung was frantically looking around the room, looking for a way out. Like a wild animal being trapped in a small room he hadn't recognized. 

 

But this was Jisung's room, his safe space, and instead of making it better for the boy, it made it worse. 

 

“Sungie, please sit do-” 

 

“Let me out, let me out, lemme out!” He chanted as he tried to get around Minho, but the older just wrapped a gentle but firm arm around the boy to prevent him from succeeding. 

 

“Sung, come on baby. Let's sit down.” Minho said, keeping his arm steady on the other boy. He didn't seem put down by Jisung shaking his head and struggling, he just stayed how he was. 

 

“H-hyung please.” Jeongin begged, his voice cracking from the recent crying. 

 

Jisung's struggling noticeably lessened at the sound of his dongsaeng begging, but he still tried. 

 

He only felt fear, panic. He had to get away, they couldn't find out. 

 

He let out a short scream when Minho lifted him into his arms, carrying him to the bed and sitting both of them on it, Jisung in his lap. 

 

Jisung tried to escape the hold, but it only helped Minho move the younger so the older's chest was against his back, arms securely wrapped around the boy's waist. 

 

Noticing that he couldn't fight his way out, he let out a cry of defeat, tears running down his face as he crumpled the paper still in his hands. 

 

His body went limp as all the fight from earlier left him. Minho moved the boy so he was now sitting sideways on his lap, the right side of his body against Minho's chest with his head against his shoulder, his fists grasping the older's sweater. 

 

Jisung curled up and into Minho a bit, seeking some form of comfort as several emotions battled within his brain and his chest, and the older dancer's arms wrapped tighter around him in return. 

 

Chan, while he patiently waited for Jisung to calm down a bit, sat himself on the bed across from the other two, and the maknae soon followed to sit next to the leader. 

 

It took a while for Jisung's sobs and tears to subside, reduced to the occasional sniff or shaky breath. Minho's arms had stayed securely wrapped around the younger through the entire thing, and only slightly loosened when the younger calmed down. 

 

“Baby, can we talk about this now?” Chan asked gently, and he let out a relieved breath when the boy nodded after a moment. 

 

Chan looked up at Minho, and the leader noticed how confused the dancer was. 

 

“Baby, can I see the note?” At his words, Jisung let out another small sob, but held out the note anyways. Minho's arms tightened protectively around the boy again after Chan had taken the note gently from Jisung's hold. 

 

Chan closed his eyes and took a deep breath and looked at the note again, before starting to read it out loud. 

 

Minho had to know what was going on if he was going to be in the discussion, or he wouldn't have put Jeongin through hearing it again. 

 

By the time he was done reading, Jisung and Jeongin were both crying again, and Minho had a stunned expression on his face. His eyes were red, but no tears had fallen. 

 

“Sungie, baby-” Minho was cut off by a small sob from the younger in his lap.

 

“I-I'm s-s-sor-ry… I hate t-that I'm li-like t-this. I-I don-don't even know how i-it started!” his words were messy and broken due to his sobbing, but they understood him nonetheless. 

 

“Baby, what were you going to write at the end?” Minho's asked, and it make Jisung go silent. 

 

It scared them. 

 

Jisung was almost full sobbing, but the second Minho asked, they stopped. 

 

They didn't slow and then stop, they just stopped. 

 

“Jisungie,” Chan took a shaky breath, “plea-” 

 

Jisung cut him off, his voice void of emotion, sounding robotic. The voice sent chills down their spine, but the words made them all cold, their faces surely pale as fear filled their body at the answer. 

 

“End it all.” 

  
  


No one said anything. 

 

The room was completely silent, and Chan was sure that no one, including himself, was even breathing as they let the answer actually sink in. 

 

Their typically happy Jisungie had thought of ending his life, and no one even noticed. 

 

Sure, they noticed his behavior, they noticed that he had changed, but they thought he would go to one of them if it got too bad.

 

They were wrong. 

 

Suddenly the thought of their luck hit Chan like a truck. 

 

If Jeongin hadn't found that note, they would still be blind, waiting for Jisung to go to them. The thought of them not knowing the truth until they potentially found just a body instead of their bandmate, their brother, made Chan light headed. 

 

“Sungie, baby…” Minho couldn't find the words, and his voice faltered into silence again, but his arms secured themselves more around the boy, as if afraid he would disappear if he wasn't holding onto him tight enough. 

 

They sat there for a while longer, just comprehending what had happened, and how lucky they were that they avoided what  _ could  _ have happened. 

 

…

 

The next day was an off day, but it was busy and emotionally exhausting nonetheless. 

 

Jisung was rarely away from Minho's protective hold as Chan set up a group meeting in the living room. Jisung sat in the dancer's lap as Chan started explaining, and he cried silently as the leader read the note to everyone else. 

 

Felix had started crying only a few seconds into Chan's reading, Changbin's arm wrapping around him comfortingly as he fought his own tears. By the time the reading was done, including Chan telling them what was going to be written at the end if it had been finished, everyone was in tears. 

 

Chan let them sit in silence for a while before addressing Jisung directly. 

 

“Jisungie, why didn't you tell us about this, baby?” Everyone's attention turned to the blonde in Minho's lap, waiting tearfully for the answer. 

 

It took a few moments for him to answer, he was trying to control his breathing enough. He knew he wouldn't get out of answering, but it was also hard to calm down even with Minho rubbing small circles into his back. 

 

“I-I didn't think it was an issue, I couldn't… it escalated so slowly for me that I never noticed how bad it had gotten until a few nights ago…” he trailed off and rested his head on Minho's shoulder again. 

 

“What happened a few nights ago, hun?” Woojin asked, speaking the question on everyone's mind. 

 

Jisung looked hesitant, facial expression contorting to show that his brain was debating with itself on whether or not to answer. 

 

“Baby…” Minho muttered before kissing the top of the younger's head, making a light pink dust form on his cheeks despite the situation. 

 

“I… I found myself wondering what it would feel like to… to cut. Or to go to that bridge by Pledis and just kind of… fall. I didn't say anything or go to anyone because the thoughts scared me. I didn't really want to do it, I felt terrified of myself for letting the thoughts even cross my mind.” 

 

Felix was sobbing now, and Changbin's tears had fallen to his cheeks as he attempted to calm the younger in his arms. 

 

Jeongin was securely wrapped in Woojin's arms as he quietly sobbed into the older's shoulder while the oldest had tears of his own threatening to fall. 

 

Hyunjin had a distraught Seungmin in his own arms, the both of them silently crying as the wondered how no one had noticed. 

 

Chan took a deep breath before closing his eyes, willing his own tears to not fall. Not yet. He would be doing plenty more crying when he went to sleep that night, but for now he had to stay strong. 

 

“Jisungie, do you know what triggered any of this? Any idea at all?” He asked, mentally scolding himself when his voice wavered a bit. 

 

Jisung thought for a moment before shrugging. “It was one of my bad days to begin with, and… I think my nails started digging into my palm. It just… went from there.” 

 

“Do you remember what caused the off day?” Chan asked patiently. He knew that Jisung's off days typically had a trigger to them, sometimes days before the actually off day.

 

“I think… when I was working on lyrics for the song I ended up asking for help on. You were already stressed so I felt really bad asking, but I couldn't think of anything, I had a headache, and the deadline for it was a couple days later.” 

 

Chan now felt like shit, and it must have shown on his face because Jisung was frantic in speaking again. 

 

“B-But it wasn't you! It was the stress of the lyric writing itself, it was never you. It's never any of you that cause an off day, it's stress from the work I have to do or something I can't complete up to my own standards.” 

 

Minho tightened his arms a bit in an attempt to calm the boy. “Baby, we know that you don't get off days from us, we know that you'd tell us. We're just trying to figure out how to avoid those off days in the future.” 

 

Jisung relaxed in his arms, and Minho pressed another kiss to the top of his head. His cheeks didn't turn pink, but he did turn to the side and curl further into the older's embrace. 

 

“Sungie,” Woojin started, and Jisung turned his head to look at him, “we need to figure out what we need to do to keep you safe.” 

 

Jisung's heart dropped. Did they not trust him?

 

“We don't want you to keep hurting yourself, we love and care about you baby, and-” 

 

“Please don't kick me out…” he whispered desperately, eyes wide. 

 

Chan's eyes widened as well. “Sung, we aren't kicking you out. We would never. We love you, baby, like Woojin said. We just need to figure out what you need to be able to get to a safe headspace again.” 

 

Jisung calmed down a bit when he heard that he would be staying, that they never had any intention of throwing him out for this. 

 

He looked at Chan again, eyes smaller but his voice still anxious. 

 

“What do you… what would be best? I don't even… I don't know what I need, I didn't know anything was really wrong.” 

 

Chan was about to speak, but Felix beat him to it. 

 

“Jisungie, did you notice any time that the feelings would be worse? Or anything specific that would make it worse?” 

 

Jisung shrugged as he thought. “Not really.” 

 

“Hyung…” Jeongin spoke up quietly, and eight eyes were on him in an instant. “Your off days used to be spaced out. And then… they weren't. They were all the time.” 

 

Jisung nodded. “I don't know why. It's never happened like that before.”

 

“Was there anything that happened right before it was all the time?” Changbin asked. Jisung thought back, trying hard to figure this out. 

 

“I don't think so. Wait…” he thought back and looked at his hand. “It was after I accidentally cut my finger.” 

 

Woojin looked a bit hesitant, opening and closing his mouth a few times before speaking. 

 

“Please don't… take this the wrong way, I just need to make sure. But… was it really an accident?” 

 

Jisung was speechless. He stared at the oldest in shock before letting out a shaky breath and looking away from him. 

 

Of course he wouldn't be believed. None of them were going to believe a thing he said ever again after this, anytime he got so much as a paper cut he was gonna be asked if it was really an accident. 

 

He didn't realize his breathing had sped up until he felt Minho's arms loosen around him as the older moved him around so he was basically straddling him, legs on either side of the other's. 

 

“Jisung baby, breathe.” Minho said, taking hold of Jisung's hands before gently placing the right one on his chest, and lacing their fingers together with the other. 

 

“C-Can't…” he said, closing his eyes to try to ignore the fact that everyone was watching him. 

 

Judging him. 

 

“Baby, I know you can. Concentrate on my heartbeat.” He did. He felt the steady beat under his hand, and as he only concentrated on it's rhythm, it got a bit easier to breathe. 

 

“Focus on my breathing, baby, copy them as best you can.” The older's voice was gentle, Jisung could feel the faint vibrations as he spoke. The younger let himself feel the slow rise and fall of the other's chest as he took deeper, more deliberate breaths to make it easier to follow. 

 

Jisung did this, and soon enough, his breathing returned to normal and he felt a lot calmer. He took another deep breath before opening his eyes and looking at Minho, noticing that the older only had a patient look, though a bit of concern was visible in his eyes. 

 

“Do you feel a bit better, baby?” Jisung nodded at his question and totally didn't blush when a small kiss was pressed to his forehead. 

 

He took a few seconds before turning at the waist so his could still sit on the older how he was but still see the rest of the room. Everyone was looking at him in concern, but at least no one was actively crying anymore. 

 

“Sungie,” Chan spoke gently, “can you tell us what triggered that?” 

 

Jisung was too tired to argue, so he just nodded.

 

But he didn't like saying it, knowing (thinking) it would be taken the wrong way. 

 

“Woojin hyung's question made me realize that every time I get hurt after this, you guys will wonder whether or not I did it to myself, even if it really was an accident.” 

 

Woojin's eyes were wide and full of guilt as he shook his head. 

 

“Baby, I'm so sorry. You mentioned thinking about what it would feel like to cut before. I know you wouldn't have cut on purpose in front of Chan, but I wanted to know if it was an honest slip of the hand or if you subconsciously stopped being cautious with the knife.” 

 

Jisung understood a bit better now, and shrugged as his answer. “I think both? I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I just… I think it's was like you said, my mind made me not want to be as cautious as I should have been and didn't care about consequences.” 

 

Woojin nodded and looked down a bit. “Do you know of anything else that happened like that?” 

 

Jisung shook his head. “Not really. But again, I didn't realize anything has really changed at that point. It was a shock for me to realize I didn't really care about the injury, but… I guess I thought that I was just too emotionally drained to care.” 

 

Chan looked at Jisung and smiled a bit. “Thank you for talking to us about this Sungie, it really means a lot to us. We love and care about you so much and we want what's best for you. Please help us figure out how we can continue supporting you.” 

 

Jisung shrugged. “I don't really know. It's hard to think of what's best when I barely comprehend what's wrong.” 

 

What he said shattered the hearts of the other members. Jisung was being so honest and open with them, and they couldn't believe how far they let their member fall. 

 

After a bit of silent thinking, Changbin raised his hand a small amount before speaking. 

 

“Before I say anything, I need to ask. Jisungie, would you agree that all of the accidents and the habit of digging your nails into your palm are out of your direct control?” 

 

Jisung raised an eyebrow. “What so you mean, hyung?” 

 

“Do you think about doing it and do it on your own, or do you kind of zone out and realize you're doing it a while later when it starts to hurt too much?” 

 

Jisung looked at him in slight shock. “How did you know?” 

 

“So the second one?” Changbin asked, and Jisung nodded. 

 

“How did you know?” Changbin didn't answer his question, but he did speak again. 

 

“I think it would be best for Sungie to not be alone for too long. Someone should probably be with him for most of the day, alone only for things like going to the bathroom or if he's just gonna go from say the living room the the kitchen.” 

 

There were heads nodding in agreement, but Jisung noticed that one head didn't move at all. 

 

Minho's. 

 

But for now, Jisung turned his attention back to Changbin. He still wanted his answer. 

 

“You guys are getting a lot of answers from me, I think it's fair that I get at least one of my questions answered. Changbin hyung, how did you know?” He asked again, and Changbin sighed. 

 

“You're right, I'm sorry.” He took a deep breath before continuing. 

 

“I knew because I used to do something similar before I joined the company. Whenever I was anxious about something or was doing something stressful, my nails would dig into my hand or I would start biting the sides of my tongue or my lips. It got so bad that I had torn a hole into the corner of my mouth. It was bad, I almost needed stitches and you could see the nerve endings and muscle tissue. My parents realized it was a serious issue so they got me in to see a therapist right away, and she helped me get some better coping habits.”

 

Everyone was silent after Changbin's little reveal. No one, not even Chan or Felix, had known this about the rapper. But that seems to have been how Changbin likes it, and it hadn't been relevant to him after joining Stray Kids, so he hadn't needed to say anything. 

 

Changbin shrugged and hummed, breaking the silence. 

 

“Anyone want to follow up on my suggestion?” He asked. Felix sat up a bit straighter, but still looked at the ground. 

 

“Maybe he should keep a journal to write his thoughts in? So he isn't bottling them up?” He suggested, and Chan smiled. 

 

“I think both of those are good ideas.” 

 

“Maybe a number system?” Hyunjin suggested. “Not just for us, but also for him? So he can learn how to tell what really bad days look like compared to bad says or just normal says?” 

 

“How would the number system work?” Chan asked. 

 

“Maybe zero is a normal or good day, and ten is a really bad day.”

 

Jeongin raised his hand slightly. “We could all have group meetings more often so talk about what we notice with everyone in general? Like if we notice Felix hyung starting to weigh himself a bit more than usual, we could mention it and figure things out as a group.” 

 

Chan smiled at the maknae and ruffled his hair. “I really like that one, Innie.” 

 

“Hold up,” Jisung jumped a bit when he heard Minho's sudden voice, and felt the older's tighten around him for a second in apology. 

 

“What's up, Minho?” Chan asked. 

 

“Let's ask Jisung what he thinks of all this before we set anything in stone.” 

 

Jisung's face was red again from being put on the spot like that, and he tried to hide his face in Minho's shoulder, but the older just turned himself so that the younger was still facing the others. 

 

“Meanie…” Jisung muttered playfully before giving in and going back to how he was sitting before so Minho could sit more comfortably. 

 

“Baby, what so you think of our ideas?” Chan asked, his eyes hopeful and curious, like a child's. 

 

“I think they're all fine, as long as it isn't excessive. I'm not a danger to myself, I could never bring myself to actually put my life on the line. I'd never do that to you guys, and I wouldn't want to do that to myself. What I wrote on that paper was just venting out the stuff I'd been feeling because I was afraid if I kept it bottled up for so long, I might start not caring about that anymore. The journal is a really good idea, same with the group meetings, and I wouldn't mind being around someone as long as it isn't  _ all _ the time. We're around each other all the time due to schedules to begin with, and I usually cuddle with someone every night anyways.” 

 

“Not recently you don't.” Woojin pointed out. “You usually share a bed with Minho, but you haven't since probably around the time it got really bad.” 

 

“Then I'll just make sure he's next to me every night from now on.” Minho's said, startling Jisung, and making a darker red start to appear on his face and neck. 

 

“And what about the number system?” Chan asked. “Can you maybe give us examples of what's happened in the past month and number them?” 

 

Jisung nodded. “Uh… I think the nails digging into my palm might be a three? Uh… the knife accident was about a… six? And…. When I wrote the note was about an eight maybe?”

 

“Good job Sungie, that helps us. Thank you” Chan said, and Jisung put his head down in embarrassment at the praise. 

 

“So it's agreed then?” Chan asked, and everyone nodded, Jisung and Minho included. 

 

...

 

For the following few months, they had several meetings that they only talked about things they noticed about other members that concerned them a bit that they couldn't bring themselves to ask about in the moment. 

 

It wasn't all focused on Jisung. Changbin had mentioned that Felix seemed to prefer to eat more fruit and cut his portions of meat down to half of what he usually did, and Felix guiltily explained that he had been feeling a bit bad again but didn't want to bother anyone with it. He was met with a lot of hugs and supportive words from everyone. 

 

The group meetings were just the beginning of the positive change in the dorm.

 

Jisung and Minho were almost inseparable, the younger most often seen in the older's lap, but Minho also let Jisung have his alone time if he needed it (but Jisung agreed to letting someone briefly check on him every once in a while if the number he had given earlier that day was a four or higher.)

 

The number system was used in the morning, in between schedules, and at night, and on a day off they just used it in the morning, and night, or whenever they noticed his behavior had shifted within a short amount of time. 

 

Jisung's favorite was the journal. 

 

Minho had given him one as a gift the day after everyone had suggested, and Jisung had accepted the journaling idea. 

 

It was a royal blue with a cute squirrel face on it, and the bottom outside corner of every page had a walnut on it. 

 

Jisung loved it. 

 

He would never admit it, but Minho was the only person he would let call him a squirrel without hitting him for it. 

 

He even let Minho read some of the entries if he didn't know if he should be too concerned, and Minho never judged him. Only gave him words of advice and comforting cuddles if the content of the entry was, in fact, as worrying as Jisung had thought. 

 

As time went on, Jisung got used to recognizing when a day was bad, he got better at recognizing the signs that indicated a day was getting worse, and got a lot better at seeking out help if he thought that he was approaching a potentially self destructive headspace. 

 

It took a while. It took a lot of tears, a lot of conversations he didn't want to have, a lot of frustration on Jisung's end from wondering why he couldn't just get better, and a lot of cuddles and comforting words. 

 

He finally got to a point where he didn't have bad days nearly as often, was able to tell his members the moment he noticed his number start to rise, and was able to stop himself from doing those bad habits like digging his nails into his palms when he noticed it was happening, sometimes even before it happened. 

 

Everyone was so proud of him, and never missed a chance to tell him how proud they were. Minho being one of the prousest. 

 

When the oldest brought him into his room and sat him down on his bed, Jisung didn't know what to expect. 

 

A new choker was not one of them. 

 

Jisung blinked back tears when he took it out of the box and examined it. 

 

It was double layer ribbon, the base was a thick pleated royal blue ribbon, the second layer was a black ribbon about a third the thickness of the blue and ran across the center. 

 

His tears finally fell, however, when he read the white words that were beautifully embroidered into the black ribbon. 

 

_ Survivor  _

**Author's Note:**

> HIIIII so 
> 
> requesting is still the same as before, I'm accepting and writing requests how I get inspiration for them, but I'm trying not to be too unfair. I won't write one I just got yesterday before the one I got like three months ago. 
> 
> That being said, if you still wanna send in a request, go for it! I love seeing them all!
> 
> Oh, and I'm gonna be adding a couple of new groups to my list of requests I accept soon, but I still need to get to know the group dynamic better before I post anything. You'll know which ones when I post my first fic for them!


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